considering the essence of epidermal translucency

Extreme Epidermal Translucency, infrequently diagnosed prior to a mere decade or two ago, has quite virulently infected, or so it would appear, the preponderance of the population and at the current rapid rate of infection threatens to become a global pandemic so pervasive and widespread that within virtually no time at all is expected to claim more victims than that of the Black Plague, the Third Pandemic, the Plague of Justinian, the Great Plague of London, the American Plagues of the 16th Century, the Great Plague of Milan, the Plague of Athens, the Antonine Plague, the Great Plague of Marseille, and the Moscow Plague combined, so reported the International Office Blaming Just Every Cottonpicking Thing (IOBJECT) in today’s totally expected, completely undocumented and really unimportant pre-shredded report.

Extreme Epidermal Translucency

Extreme Epidermal Translucency

A nondescript, completely forgettable, inoffensive, generic spokesperson reported that everyone should be assured that absolutely no one had actually written a single word in the report and thus it was estimated that at a minimum four trillion trees had been saved in the process of compiling the report which the spokesperson insisted had been read by no one at all, thus preventing further outbreaks of Extreme Epidermal Translucency or EET, just in case you had difficulty properly enunciating more than two syllables.

The nondescript, completely forgettable, inoffensive, generic spokesperson went on to report that symptoms for EET were typically Facial Redness & Extreme Temper (FRET,) immediately followed by Brash Angry Raving Fury (BARF,) Complete Lapse Of Decorum (CLOD,) and Frequent Outbursts Of Lunacy (FOOL.) The IOBJECT spokesperson refused to respond to any questions, provided no further information, either written or verbal, and failed to produce any of the purported four trillion pages of exhaustive documentation supporting these alarming claims which the IOBJECT spokesperson assured the lone reporter present at the unscheduled and unannounced news conference never existed as it would have been a complete waste of time and an abhorrent misuse of rapidly depleting resources to collect, collate, staple, slice, dice, and then wad into giant paper wads.

As completely expected, immediately upon release of the report an equally nondescript, completely forgettable, inoffensive, generic spokesperson for Universal Society of Total Idiots Counting Kooties (USTINK) countered by saying that USTINK objected to IOBJECT’s report calling it a total fabrication and misrepresentation of the facts not in evidence which no one had a clue if there were in fact any facts at all and that attorneys for USTINK would be asking the court to issue an immediate injunction effectively barring IOBJECT from continuing to claim that they had single-handedly saved the severely endangered lives of six-quadrillion rubber-lipped slanderous tree toads. When last seen, both nondescript, completely forgettable, inoffensive, generic spokespersons were observed sticking their tongues out at each other and uttering nah nah nah nah USTINK! IOBJECT! No USTINK! IOBJECT!

Public reaction to this totally expected turn of events was as expected. Those who objected to IOBJECT were completely and utterly pessimistic. As one IOBJECTor noted, “I’ve been sick of these zombies for years and do you think they care? Their report ain’t worth the paper it’s written on, that is if they had actually written anything!” Another person who appeared to have one of the worst cases of Extreme Epidermal Translucency this reporter has ever encountered literally disappeared in an extreme fit of virulent apoplexy. It was as if suddenly there was an extremely loud noise coming from absolutely no visible source, accompanied by a rather malicious odor. It was truly amazing and quite perplexing.

Public reaction from the other side of the road was extremely objectionable. One witness stated that it was absolutely odoriferous what USTINK was saying about IOBJECT’s spurious report. “Look, every time a new unfounded, fallacious report appears, those USTINKers throw their slime and make up insanely accurate claims against IOBJECT. I mean let’s face it, nobody can get away with even a little bald faced prevarication or two anymore. Like where’s the harm in that? I think all those USTINKers are bigots and…dude they’re ugly and stinky? Somebody needs to go soak their head for darn sake!”

Disclaimer: Anyone who believes they have been harmed, flamed, inflamed, disrespected, insulted, slandered, liabled, judged, misjudged, characterized, denigrated, slighted, victimized, put-down, slammed, mistreated, maltreated, injured, scarred, ignored, deplored, floored, dissed, bothered, upended, beaten, sneered, ogled, leered, snarled, gnarled, bitten, slapped, hit, belittled, or burned…please, I say this in the most genteel, kindest way possible, really: have a nice day.

What you think of me is none of my business so let’s keep it that way. Help stamp out Extreme Epidermal Translucency before it spreads any further. All we have to do is show a little love. That’s all. Really, pinky swear!

About the author: Deacon Chuck

Deacon Chuck was ordained into the permanent diaconate on September 17, 2011, in the ministry of service to the Diocese of Reno and assigned to St. Albert the Great Catholic Community. He currently serves as the parish bulletin editor and website administrator. Deacon Chuck continues to serve the parish of Saint Albert the Great Catholic Community of the Diocese of Reno, Nevada. He is the Director of Adult Faith Formation and Homebound Ministries for the parish, conducts frequent adult faith formation workshops, and is a regular homilist. He currently serves as the bulletin editor for the parish bulletin. He writes a weekly column intended to encompass a broad landscape of thoughts and ideas on matters of theology, faith, morals, teachings of the magisterium and the Catholic Church; they are meant to illuminate, illustrate, and catechize the readers and now number more than 230 articles. His latest endeavor is "Colloqui: A journal for restless minds", a weekly journal of about 8 pages similar in content to bulletin reflections. All his reflections, homilies, commentaries, and Colloqui are posted and can be found on his website: Comments are always welcome and appreciated. He is the author of two books: "The Voices of God: hearing God in the silence" which offers the reader insights into how to hear God’s voice through all of the noise that surrounds us; and "Echoes of Love: Effervescent Memories" which through a combination of prose and verse provides the reader with a wonderful journey on the way to discovering forever love. He regularly speaks to groups of all ages and size and would welcome the opportunity to speak to your group.

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